Thor's Date
by footshooter
Summary: Thor had a date. Natasha took him shopping for clothes. Clint leant him Tony's money. And Loki tried his best to sabotage the whole thing. All characters. Swearing. Fairly long, but I can't split it up into chapters right. And I had to beta and repost.


Thor was out on a date. An actual date. With Jane. After all this time, after saving the world and carting his brother back home, after fearing he would never return and see her again he was out _on a date_.

Back at the Avengers HQ, Barton, Stark and Banner had taken the mick mercilessly, but had, eventually, caved and started to give him some tips and advice. Of course, Cap had told him which bits of advice were total lies afterwards, but he didn't understand some of the traditions either so some of the 'tips' were filed away in maybe.

The maybe file was opened by Natasha, who looked pityingly at him when he told her he would be dressed in his best armour to go downtown to an Italian restaurant.

"No, no. That won't do at all. Everyone will stare."

Clint had been lurking in the background, as he usually is (and by background we mean rafters) and had snorted.

"Hey, c'mon Tasha. People will stare anyway. He's _Thor_, remember?"

She'd jumped and squealed a little and aimed a plate at his head, which had missed, but he lost balance and had to wrap his legs around the pole and do a 360 degree spin to get back upright. He had grimaced and muttered something along the lines of, "That used to be a lot easier", while Natasha studiously ignored him and eyed Thor up. It made him slightly uncomfortable.

"Um, Natasha. Why are you regarding me in that way?"

She looked at him, and then up at Clint who was still swinging around the rafters like a monkey trying to remember old circus tricks, and shook her head.

"We need to get you some nice Earth clothes. That way you might not be recognised _as_ much."

"But Jane commented on my armour. She liked it very much."

Clint swung down and landed on his feet next to them, making Natasha jump again. "What the hell is wrong with you? You _know_ I do these things."  
"I don't expect it in the _house_, Clint," she said, slapping him on the shoulder. He ignored the slap, filing it away for later.

"Anyway, buddy. Women say stuff like that all of the time."  
Thor frowned, "Jane would not lie."

Natasha glanced at him, sympathy written all over her face, "Oh, it's not a _lie_. It's just so your feelings aren't hurt. And you _do_ look cool in the armour."  
"Very cool," Clint added, nodding.

"Just, it isn't very dinner date-y. And if you keep a low profile then you won't have so many people bothering you and asking for your autograph and pictures. I can take you shopping if you like? We can sort it out."

Clint frowned, imagining the comedy potential, "I want in on this."

Natasha scowled, "I was _planning_ on taking Tony."  
"Tony? Why Tony?"  
"Clint, you're currently wearing sweatpant shorts and a wifebeater. And you're covered in grime because you've been _playing in the ceiling_. He's a billionaire playboy. Who do you think has the best sense of dress?"

"Me?"  
"You wish."

And that was how Thor got his clothes. And ended up in a shopping centre with a furious Natasha, Clint bouncing off Tony's madness and annoying everyone, Tony being collared by anything with a vagina and Steve tagging along to find some decent clothes for himself because he'd been offended when Barton had told him his trousers were too high, claiming that at least he didn't show off his backside every time he bent over to pick something up. Even Bruce had wanted in on the trip, but he was a bit phobic of places crowded with people in case he hulked out and had to pay for damages.

But after around 4 hours of trailing and the men complaining that their feet hurt and they were hungry and thirsty and tired and pretty much everything else possible with Natasha snapping that _"For goodness sake this is why I didn't want to _bring_ you all!"_, they finally found some clothes. It was in the return trip to the first shop they'd been to, and pretty much the first pair of jeans and smart shirt that Natasha had said she'd liked, but when he'd tried them on and even Tony had stopped jabbing Clint in the side for a second to say that he looked good; and so they could _finally _find Steve, get back into the truck and go home.

Unfortunately Clint had decided to drive like a lunatic and scared most of them half to death by bouncing the truck through fields and rivers and god knows what on the "scenic" route, while Natasha gripped the handrail with white knuckles, Steve called him a "maniac" on repeat and Tony laughed hysterically. Thor thought it was the best part of the trip and wished he'd been sitting in the bed of the truck outside. Clint knew he was going to be murdered when he got back, but, at least he'd had fun.

Later that day and just as Thor was getting ready to leave (he'd even shaved his newly grown beard down to stubble after Natasha had told him that it _"had to go"_, and was wearing some of Stark's aftershave after he'd said that Barton's smelt cheap), Tony was handing $100 over to Clint, who was badly bruised but smiling at his windfall.

"What happened?" Steve had asked, just as Thor came out of the room and joined them, hands shoved into his pockets.

"I didn't think he'd actually _do_ it."  
"Do what?" Thor asked.

"I hit Natasha on the ass with a foam arrow and then denied all responsibility, blaming Cupid."

Tony started to laugh again, "You should've heard it. Natasha's face was bright red and she was screaming at him about how Cupid didn't exist and all Barton was doing was shrugging and saying, _"Well Thor's a demi-god and _he_ exists, so how do you know it wasn't Cupid?"_. It was genius."

Steve shook his head, "Idiots. You look good, by the way Thor."  
"Thank you, Steve."  
"Go get her, tiger," Tony said with a wink. Thor didn't really know what this meant, but he assumed it was good so smiled and gave him the thumbs up.

"You got money?" Barton said, and Thor frowned.

"Um?"  
"Never mind, here." He passed him the $100 from his pocket.

"Thank you for your generosity, friend Barton."  
Clint shrugged, "Hey, no problem. But you are gonna be late. How about I be even more generous and give you a lift into town?"  
"You do not need to."  
"I'd like to."

Stark's head popped out of a doorway, "You're not gonna escape that easily, Barton."

A shout that sounded as though it came from the jaws of Fury it(him)self echoed across the hallways calling Barton's name. He grimaced.

"How about now?"  
"Yes. Okay."

Barton grabbed his keys and bolted to the car, Thor on his heels.

And so, here Thor was, sitting in a restaurant, eating pizza and drinking wine with a very pretty lady in the seat across from him. She'd complimented him on his clothing (and didn't seem upset that the armour was missing) and he'd passed the compliment back in the way Natasha had told him too. It didn't even seem fake because she did look lovely that night.

Although his phone had been vibrating in his pocket nonstop since Barton had left him and he was getting very, very angry at it. He wished he had Mjolnir to smash it into hundreds of pieces because he really, _really_ hated it. It was a stupid invention and it never worked for him and now it wouldn't just _leave him alone_ and let him enjoy his date.

He must have been pulling a face because Jane looked very concerned.

"Thor, what's wrong?"  
He forced a smile. "Nothing is wrong, Jane."

"Is it the food?"  
"No the food is wonderful."  
"Is it me?"  
"What? No. Of course- "

A sharp shock ran up his leg and he jumped out of his seat, yelping and knocking the table I the process. Jane's eyes widened and half of the room went silent and started to stare while he chose a few choice words from Asgard and pulled the damned thing out of his pocket. The caller ID was Stark, and Thor's anger was instantly directed towards him.

"Excuse the interruption, Jane."  
She waved a hand at him to continue.

He pressed the green answer button.

"Ah, finally, the demi-god answers. Hey Thor. How you getting on?"  
"I was getting along very well until my phone started ringing me and shocking my leg."  
"Yeah, well, it's been ringing since Barton left you outside of the door so I needed _some_ way to catch your attention. Natasha will be pissed though. She was all up for leaving you there."

"_Hawkeye to Iron Man, you read me, over?"_

"Ah, Barton. Iron Man and Thor can both hear you, yeah. How you getting on?"

There was a pause where Thor screwed up his face and put his head onto the table in exasperation.

"_Hey, Stark? Say over when you're done, yeah? I don't have a fucking clue what's going on otherwise. Over."_

Thor heard Tony sigh, "Yes, yes. Now what've you got for us, _over_?"

Thor could imagine Clint's eye roll.

"_I got a position for ya, over."_

"Woop-ee. Where am I heading? _Over._"

"Would someone please tell me what is happening?" Thor roared, and there was silence for a few seconds.

"Woah there, big boy. We didn't _want_ to interrupt your date. We're not doing this on purpose. Your _brother_ on the other hand, probably is."

"Loki? Again? How did he get out of the house?"

"_Some far-fetched story about him playing so many pranks your father collapsed, I think. At least, that's what he was shrieking to the sky when he landed in the middle of the road and nearly got hit by twelve cars."_

There was a pause, "Hey Barton? You, ah, done? _Over._"  
_"Fuck you, Tony. I was being attacked by what looked like the Gatekeeper from Ghostbusters _again_. OVER."_

"I cannot believe my brother has done this again."  
"He does this often?"  
"Yes. He just usually keeps his foolish pranks to Asgard."

"_Well he's downtown wreaking havoc round about now. I think he's looking for you, Thor, over."_

"He will have known I had a date. He will be sabotaging on purpose. He has every time I've met a woman since we were children."

"You dated as a child? Anyway, no, never mind. Havoc is such a brilliant word, and great usage, there. We should use it more often. _Over._"

_"It kinda sums up what he's doing right now pretty well, over."_

"What's he doing round about now, Barton? _Over__._"

Thor and Tony heard Clint bark out a laugh, and then, in a surpised voice state,

"_Right now he's standing in the middle of the road, surrounded by demon dogs and doing what appears to be the _Time Warp_. Over."_

Tony laughed as well, "Oh this I gotta see. Barton, I'm heading to your position. Thor, get Mjolnir and meet us down there. Please. Maybe he'll stop once he realises he's ruined your night."  
"I am not giving in to my brother again!"  
_"He has lasers! Over!"_

"Oh, for the sake of fuck."

Tony laughed, "Ha! Thor swore. Even if it wasn't technically correct, it was still brilliant."  
_"I know! And you're a poet and you didn't know it, Stark. Over."  
_"Oh, I knew it alright. Hey, Barton? I can see you! Over."  
_"I'm gonna shoot you in a minute, Stark. Over."_

"Try it, bitch! You'll never get to me while I'm doing aversion tactics."

"_Over."_

"You didn't even say anything, over."  
_"You didn't say over, over."_

"What about under? Over."  
_"Stop waving around in midair, you're making me dizzy, over."  
_"I'm doing under, over, up _and_ down. _Over_."

Thor slammed his fist against the table and fell the wood crack.

"Fine. I concede. I'll be down soon."

"Catch you on the other side, Thor!"

Tony cut the call, leaving Thor to hit his head repeatedly off the tabletop until Jane grabbed his hair to stop him and he realised he had to make his apologies and leave to once again fight his brother with a splitting headache. Natasha didn't prepare him for this eventuality, even though they should have all expected it to occur.

"Can I come with you?" Jane asked, her eyes big and pleading.  
"It will be dangerous."  
"I'm sure _one_ of the many Avengers can protect me."

Thor sighed; it seemed _everyone_ was out to get him tonight. "Fine. But do not get caught in the crossfire. Or go anywhere near my brother."

Jane nodded, Mjolnir arrived, and they flew their way into battle, their arrival announced by the darkening sky. They landed next to Natasha, who was hacking into a demon dog with what looked like a katana.

"You took your time!" she shrieked, and Thor shrugged.

"Why is _she_ here?"

"Jane wanted to come."  
"This isn't a _date_. This is your insane brother. Again!"  
"I'll be _fine_, thanks."

The women glared at each other and it was kind of scary. Thor could see the Hulk smashing dogs, or at least trying to, since they were scampering gleefully around his feet before he could bring his fist down upon them. He traced a metallic clang to Captain America hitting the dogs around the face. He could see his brother dancing to a very strange song in the middle of the 'havoc', and above him Hawkeye and Iron Man joining in with the dance, Tony in midair, and Clint on a ledge.

"Has my brother stolen Clint and Tony's minds?"

Natasha glanced up and sighed, "No, they're just idiots. _WILL YOU TWO STOP CLOWNING AROUND AND DO SOME WORK?"_

Iron Man and Hawkeye jumped and stopped, muttering apologies over the intercom.

"_It is a very catchy song, though," _Tony said with a shrug, before blasting his way down to ground level to take on some demon hounds. An arrow shot into the one that was just about to hump Natasha's back, and he saluted her from up high with a wink that none of them could see, before detonating a bomb down the road that took out a few. Some began to climb the building he was standing on and Iron Man blasted them in through the windows. They congratulated each other over the intercoms.

Thor sighed, and realised that he seemed to do that a lot these days. Usually at or because of Loki.

"Wait with Natasha, Jane. I must speak with my brother."

Thor strode out into the street.

"Brother!"

Loki glanced towards him, waved, and kept dancing.

"Why don't you grab your _mortal_ and join in, brother. That's what dates usually contain, isn't it? Dancing?"

Something exploded behind them and Loki cackled.

"_You know, I think I'm warming to him," _Clint muttered and Tony laughed. _"I know exactly what you mean."_ Natasha tutted, "What is wrong with you people?"

"_He's just kinda charismatic, you know?" _Clint said, shooting a dog through the head and causing it to explode and take out three more.

"No, actually. I don't."

"_Hey, this ending every sentence in 'over' thing really went out the window, didn't it?" _Tony said, an invisible smirk on his face behind the mask. He made a mental note to add expressions onto the next one.

"Yeah, well, I got sick of you two being _stupid_ and thought it would be best," Natasha said as she clobbered another of the dogs. "Where are they all coming from?"

"MY ARSE!" Loki shouted, and laughed again. Clint and Tony couldn't help but join in and even Natasha smiled. Thor rolled his eyes. Jane just looked confused.

"_Okay, so he can hear us."_

"Of _course_ I can hear you, Barton. And it's lovely to hear that you're warming to me."

"_All that means is that I don't want to put an arrow in your head. But I could put one in your ass if it'll stop the dogs from coming outta there."_

Loki laughed, "Very good."

"What the hell is going on," Jane said, turning to Natasha and scowling. Natasha rolled her eyes and gave Jane an earpiece. "Just some bromance between Clint and Loki."

"_Hey now, it's not got that far yet."_

"_Yet, Barton?"  
"I said I was warming to him, didn't I? You never know what might happen. Woah, Tasha look out! Something that looks a lot like the Tar creature from _Scooby Doo _is coming up behind you."_

Natasha sighed and pulled Jane on top of a truck as black slime seeped around the truck and then joined together in to a large mass with one eye, heading straight for Thor.

"Who the hell let him watch _Scooby Doo_?" Natasha said, as she threw a rock that got stuck in the tar and spat back out the other side.

Thor had had enough. He was supposed to be on a date, not fighting his brother in the middle of a street while he did ridiculous things like conjure demons out of cartoons and earth-films and did mad dances in between, while joking with Barton on the coms and saying _in front of Thor's would be girlfriend_ that he was producing said creatures out of his arse. They should be in a bar by now. He should've had at least _one_ kiss. But no, his brother _had_ to ruin it. Just like every other time.

"Loki, I have had _enough_ of your madness!"

Thor conjured a lightening bolt from the air and swirled it into a force field which he passed across the area. All of the creatures disintegrated, and Loki stopped dancing to pout at him.

"You, brother, are _no_ fun whatsoever."

"I will show you fun!"

Thor launched himself at Loki and fell straight through.

"_Well, that was predictable," _he heard Tony's sarcastic voice say, as he facepalmed the ground for once again falling for it.

"Yeah. Seriously, Thor, will you _ever_ learn that one?" Natasha said.

"_I know, why did you think I didn't bother shooting him? Waste of arrows. He's not thick enough to dance in the middle of the street with the Avengers on his case."_

"Hulk no smash."

"_See, even the big guy knows. Hey, has anyone heard from Cap in a while?" _Tony asked.

"Oh, no…" Natasha said, upset that she'd forgotten about a member of their team.

"_Yeah, he's alright. He's over there. He got knocked out by one of those dogs. Probably for the best really, because it went on to perform a sex act against his back. I shot it before it could shoot on him, but I'm not sure how long it had been doing it for."_

"Is that because you were doing the _Time Warp_?" Natasha asked, accusingly.  
_"No. I was looking for Loki." _Clint replied, his voice petulant.

"_I'll pick him up then, shall I?" _Tony muttered.

"Oh shit, yeah. That would be lovely, Tony."

Iron Man swooped down and came back up with Captain America, who was just about waking up.

"_Let's not tell him about the dog,"_ Clint said and Loki's laugh echoed around them.

"It's a shame you stopped it really, he would've gone all sparkly for a while."  
_"Oh, shit. I would've liked to see that."  
"Me too."_

"**Will you both stop siding with the lunatic?**"

"_Ah, yes. Sorry Natasha."_

"_Sorry."_

Lots of Loki's suddenly appeared everywhere and started to do the YMCA.

"_Oh, great, lots of Loki's. Just what we need."_

"I thought you were warming to me, Barton."  
_"One of you. Not, like, thirty. Especially not thirty dancing the_ YMCA_."_

"Brother, show yourself."  
"Aw, do you want to get back to your date."

"Yes!"

Barton suddenly pulled back his arrow string, and an arrow clipped one of the Loki's and bounced of his arse.

"_Foam arrows for the win."_

"_How the hell did you work that one out?" _Tony asked, astonished

"_That's for me to know and you to find out, Stark."_

"That means it was pot luck," Natasha said with a smile.

Demon dogs started to spawn again as Thor walked over to grab his brother's arm, his posture showing that he was very, very angry. Loki smiled weakly.

"_Well whatdya know? They did come from his ass," _Clint said, sounding slightly impressed at that fact.

"Make the canines vanish."

"No." Loki said, pouting petulantly.

Thor did the trick with the lightning again, and many upset looking, puppy-eye doing large, slobbering demon dogs vanished into nothing. Loki almost looked upset, but managed to salvage a puppy from under his cloak and allowed it to lick his face, smiling sweetly at it.

"_That is kinda cute," _Tony said, as he floated down to the floor.

Clint did something with an arrow and a wire and slid down to the ground that way, dropping and rolling just before he hit the ground and retracting the wire so he could put the arrow back into his quiver. They walked over to Thor and Loki. Natasha jumped off the truck and sauntered over too, folding her arms. The Hulk turned back into Bruce and hastily grabbed the pants and shirt that Tony handed to him, eyes averted, before also joining the circle of disapproval. Steve started to wake up, but he couldn't stand, so just glared from afar.

"So," Natasha said. "Proud of yourself?"  
Loki looked around him, "Actually, yes."

Thor clipped him over the back of the head. Jane helped Steve to his feet and they walked over to the group.

"Ah, so this is the girl, is it? Nice to meet you, I'm Loki, Thor's brother." He held out a hand, and she raised her eyebrows at it. He shrugged, "Just _trying_ to be nice."  
"After sabotaging our date? I _don't_ think so."

Jane was almost as angry as Thor. The other Avengers just looked mildly amused.

"I must take my brother back to Asgard," Thor said with a sigh. Loki pouted again.

"I do not _wish_ to return."

"Tough."

Natasha frowned, "But what about your date?"  
"Natasha, stop living through Thor. _I'll_ take you on a date, if you're so desperate."

"I'm not _that_ desperate, Clint."

"Ouch," Tony said.  
"Nice try though," Bruce whispered into Clint's ear. Clint smirked.

"We can find another date. If that is good for you, Jane?"  
"How do we know _he_ won't come back again."  
"I probably would," Loki said.

"At least he's honest," Clint said, with a shrug.

Natasha looked at the other Avengers, and then to Loki.

"How about we look after him until after your date?"

"What?" Thor said.

"Natasha, are you insane?" Steve asked, wide eyed.

She shrugged, "Well, we've all kinda warmed to him during this pathetic plot to sabotage his brothers date. He's just a silly little boy, really. And Clint is _always_ complaining about how him, Bruce and Tony need one more player for that game of theres."  
"This is true. The bots are extremely annoying."

"How do you like Chinese" Bruce asked.

Loki shrugged, "The food or the people?"

"The food."  
"Yeah, I like the food."

"What about the people?" Bruce asked out of curiosity.  
Loki shrugged, "Never eaten one."

Natasha looked at Loki strangely, and then shook her head. "Then that's sorted. We'll keep an eye on him, he can play games with the other children," Tony, Clint and Bruce glared, "And we can have Chinese while you go and enjoy yourself."

Thor eyed his brother warily, "Will you behave?"  
Loki shrugged, "Yeah, why not? I kinda like them, after all."  
"High praise indeed," Tony said with a smile.

"You always have been an attention seeker, brother. All you had to do was ask to 'hang out' with us."

Loki grimaced, "Do not use Earth-terminology, brother, it does not suit you."

And that's how Thor returned home with Jane to see Tony, Clint, his brother and Bruce sitting on the floor around a large screen shooting imaginary creatures (and probably giving Loki lots more plan ideas in the process), surrounded by cartons of Chinese food and empty bottles of beer. Natasha was lying on the sofa, sipping vodka and reading a book.

"Where is Steve?" Thor asked, and the men shrugged.

"He went to bed early. Tony let it slip that he got humped by a demon dog and I think he's traumatised." Natasha said without looking up from the book.  
"It was too funny not to. I'm sorry."  
"Apologise to _him_in the morning, Tony."

The demon dog puppy was lying at Loki's feet, snoozing. Jane looked confused and a little startled.

"Is your life always like this?"  
Thor laughed his booming laugh, "Oh, dear Jane, no. Today has been an _easy_ day."


End file.
